Unlocking my heart...

Half a bucketful...

2011-01-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

I never consistently tried maintaining a blog for more than a year.

It's always been a period of a few months to a mere few weeks.

I don't know why it never worked out though...

I'd usually have a lot of passion for the first few weeks...but almost like a candle burning, it extinguishes when no wax is left to replenish the fuel for burning.

I've had several blogs over the years, Xanga was probably the one that I kept longest.

But blogs are just sometimes way too "public".

It would probably be better if there was an automatic sensor to each entry as to who can read it.

You can't be too explicit in the things you say, and yet you don't want to keep it too vague.

But what's the point of writing in a public domain when you want to keep things private?

Why not keep your own diary instead? Isn't that going to be easier? You keep the details disclosed to only yourself, and no one else.

But dilemma comes when you read blogs by other people. You sorta feel that you want to do the same, to voice out your opinion to the world instead.

There it is again. My dilemma...

That's probably why I never got to finishing and keeping any of the online blogs I've ever had.

Maybe I should just start writing about random topics instead.

Start up a blog of random thoughts.

Nothing personal.

Just random stuff.

Now...that is a thought...

Something that I might keep going back to.

Every once in a while.

Something that I never had...

2009-10-12T10:16:00.001-07:00

Perhaps...

it's the scary unknown

the vast emptiness

silent

engulfing

Can't you see

been caught up too long

lingering

hoping

Unexplainable

irrational

I've reached the bottom

waiting

Pause.

I don't want to fall

made up my mind

it's all or nothing at all

Stop.

because it wasn't

not even merely

a thing I never had

something that wasn't meant to be

***

Somedays I just keep pretending

That you'll stay

Dreaming of a different ending

I wanna hold on

But it hurts so bad

And I can't keep something that I never had

I keep tellin' myself

Things can turn around with time

And if I wait it out

You could always change your mind

Like a fairy tale

Where it works out in the end

Can I close my eyes

Having you lying here again

Then I come back down

Then I fade back in

Then I realize

It's just what might have been

You don't see me

You don't feel me like I feel you.

***

It's a long time since I last blogged here...

Online blogging never really did seem to work out for me...

I either think it's not appropriate to post...or I'm just too lazy to write...

But one thing never changes...

Writing helps to ease my mind and soul...

Stream of Thoughts.

2008-12-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

I hate bearing the burden of an unfinished paper.
Not to mention the unpleasant gloom of an "unfinished" exam.

And the fact that Winter is FINALLY in the air is not helping. Not the slightest.

I am desperate to go out and embrace the spirit of Christmas.
But all I can do now is stay put at home and struggle to concentrate on the last piece of paper for this semester.

Such a bummer.
URGH!

On a side note, I'm utterly looking forward to having a crazy-magical-cam-whoring time at HK Disney this Thursday.
LOL!
Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!!

What more than a magical day at "Disneyland - Sparkling Christmas" to lift the moods and celebrate the "soon-to-end" semester?

And I think I'm addicted to Mariah Carey's "I Stay in Love".
I've been hitting that repeat button each time the song stops on my computer.

And Jason Mraz is also pretty good. Surprisingly.
It's not the type of R&B music I usually like but it gives me a completely peaceful feeling after I've listened to it.
Such an amazing voice.

And I think I'm spending too much time on MySpace.com listening to music. LOL!!

Amazement.

2008-08-22T11:22:00.001-07:00

I've been anticipating the Beijing Olympics since the word got out that it'll be fantastic this year.
All the secretive rehearsals...the excited atmosphere...the rumours of who'll be the last one to pass the Olympic torch...
Everything's got me to look forward to the 2008 Beijing Olympics greatly.

And after watching the Opening Ceremony for 4 hours...
I must say, China is AWESOME!!
Woot!! Woot!!
I'm in absolute AWE at the creativity and the tidiness of all the people!!

The Opening Ceremony was utterly amazing!!
Very extravagant, very appealing to visual, very sensational!!!
(It was kinda sad that there wasn't much explanation though...it would have been better if there was a narrator or something...)

All the same...
Can I say, tonight...
I'm truly PROUD to be a Chinese!!!!

Not so part of the group.

2008-08-22T11:11:00.001-07:00

I figured out it's not the question of "fitting-in"...but the question of "belonging-in" in the group.

From experience....I understand friendship needs time to build up and deepen...
To fee like "part of" something is important...

You can't try too hard if it's just different.

It's not the same.

thoughts @ International Summer School

Those fun times...

2008-06-08T23:37:00.001-07:00

I left my heart...in SD.

2008-06-08T23:35:00.001-07:00

From the day I started packing for home, I've pictured in my head countless times how it'll be like leaving San Diego...leaving the States.

I knew I'll be saying countless goodbyes and meeting a lot of people again for the one last time.
I was prepared to walk on streets, cruise on freeways and visit places, knowing I wouldn't be doing that again in the close future.

However, the funny thing is, no matter how prepared you think you may be, when the time comes for you to finally go, everything just happens a lot faster than you comprehend.
Everything moves like a fast-forwarding tape.
Until you realize it's happening, it has already happened, and you are already gone.

People always say, treasure what you have when you still have it or you'll regret when it's gone.
I think I made the most of my year...and I treasured every single minute of it. However, the inevitable end just makes treasuring all the memories...bittersweet~

I miss waking up to a window of fluttering green leaves and clear blue sky...
& falling asleep to the sounds of the night outside the window.

I miss walking to campus, dreading a long day ahead...
& walking home from campus, looking forward to "Chicken and Vegetables" for dinner.

I miss the times spent in the Love library finishing up a piece of reading for the next class...
& the hours spent at the gym, taking a break from all the studying.

I miss stopping by Peabody's for a White Chocolate Mocha...
& walking into Starbucks in the afternoon for another "coffee" boost.

I miss the nights when Anna and I can make SOMETHING out of NOTHING when grocery runs out...
& still not getting tired of chicken and vegetablesfor lunch or dinner even after we stock up at Ralphs :P

I miss the free afternoons on Tuesdays and Fridays...
& knowing that I can go to one cute Japanese girl in particular to ease my boredom... :)

I miss crawling into bed with Anna fast asleep in the bed next to me...
& knowing the alarm will be going off 10 times the next morning as we both struggle to wake up.

I miss the times when Robert drops by to ask what plans we had for the weekend...
& the way we never know or seem to decide until the last minute. Haha.

I miss dressing up when we go out...
& the way we can always have fun by just being together.

I miss how we can enjoy a quiet night home doing nothing but watching a movie...
& how we can always have fun when we decide on something to do on the weekends.

I miss the place where the sun always comes out shining by noon even when it was overcast in the morning and the sky was grey.

I miss the campus that was so beautiful you don't mind spending another hour of the day in it.

I miss the housing that brought so many international students together and numerous friendships.

I miss...
...the apartment which brought 4 girls together for one great semester...
...the fire alarm which sounds almost every time you cook if you are not careful... :P
...the kitchen, which bears witness to the countless dinner rendezvous...
...the bathroom, where numerous dressing up sessions were mirrored into the mirror...
...the room, where secrets were shared, complaints were launched, gossips was "gossiped", plans were made, party photos were uploaded, and laughter concealed...

I miss so many things...but most importantly, I miss YOU, all of you in San Diego,
who made the whole year special by being there, and giving me the best gift ever - friendship.

I've been home for 5 days, moving on to the 6th...
...but I still think I left my heart in San Diego...=(

About to go home...

2008-04-07T15:20:00.001-07:00

Spring Break過後，
回歸San Diego的懷抱...
加州陽光再次打在臉上...很溫暖...

With Spring Break ending, and me going back to school again...
I realize that my exchange is also drawing to a fast close.
I have a little more than 5 weeks left in the States.
要回家的感覺越來越強烈了...

這個semester，好像更融入美國的生活...
Everything comes merely out of habit and things around are dealt with familiarity.
香港發生的，除了家事...I seem to know a lot less.

Hong Kong seems far away...
& I feel like I've missed out on a lot of stuff.
But this time round, I'm comfortable in the place I am.

Life goes on for everyone...you can't expect time to stop and wait for you just because you are not around.
An occasional call or email with friends is all I need...
& of course, there's Facebook, which I must say, is an utterly AMAZING way to keep in contact.

So to speak, I no longer feel the nostalgia I use to have last semester nor the strong yearnings of wanting to know what's going on back there.
I like the life I'm living here...and it almost feels as if I could get use to it.

However, as the feeling of going back grows stronger,
I begin to fear that I'm getting much too used to a laid-back kind of life.

The reason this exchange is so appealing is because I get to meet new people, experience a different culture and travel around.

If the States was really the place I grew up in...
I'm pretty sure the reality of life kicks in every once in a while...
you get pressure because of deadlines and school work...
you stress over grades and essays.
And you certainly don't get to travel around every other holiday...

In short, I believe
I wouldn't be enjoying life as much.

However, however, I still think the way people here lead their lives is more appealing.
To work hard & play hard...
Less time in front of the computer...more time out at the beaches...
To enjoy the little pleasures of life more...
Oh well, why shouldn't they anyway when they are living in San Diego, the city with the best weather in the States?

That said, I would also like to say that I simply ENJOY speaking in English 24/7...
I fear that I'm forgetting my Cantonese...and my Chinese is seriously deteriorating...but, whatever.
Give me English anytime!

5 weeks left before reality check...
What a bummer...

I actually fear going home...

A cool Girls' Night Out...

2008-02-16T12:12:00.001-08:00

Movie marathon on Valentines' Night...
Such a blast...

From "Definitely, maybe"
...to...
"Step Up 2"

The sweetest romantic comedy ever - "Definitely, maybe"

and the movie which gets you all hyped up - "Step Up 2"

Such a cool night...
Girlfriends are the best!!!

Back to school for the 2nd semester...

2008-01-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

這個學期
功課變難了
Crashing classes增添了不少壓力
還不知道該選哪些課目
拿不定主意

選擇自己有興趣的?
還是有可能transfer credits的?
即使有興趣...功課卻很多很難...
偏偏兩課又是同一個時間...
進退兩難耶...>.<''

每天如常地返學上課
上個星期
連續七小時
我真的佩服自己的毅力

...還好不是長期這樣，否則我必定瘋掉!!

Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best...

We are surrounded!!

2007-10-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

School's closed till Saturday...

San Diego schools closed for today & tomorrow...

2007-10-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Official cancellation of classes for today...and tomorrow...

In some ways...it's pretty exciting...

But it's also really scary knowing that right this minute, houses are turning into ashes, people are losing their homes, families are evacuating...

Homes that are 20 minutes away from us are evacuating. I just hope we won't be the next ones...

This is getting scary....>.<

Life with Food again!

2007-10-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Shopping for food finally!

Our first dinner after stocking up on food!

The fridge is now full!

...the cupboard as well!

Ou dinner...

Life is so much more better with food in the fridge and cupboard! We are now having sumptious dinners after stocking up on food! We were definitely starved with no food in the kitchen previously...

My Ekphrastic poem

2007-10-05T10:45:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how recognition from people can really brighten up your whole day...

Poetry was never my field of expertise. It really scared me to write something for the class...
and then undergo the evaluation by each of the other students and the professor.

This is my first attempt in writing an "Ekphrastic poem" - vivid description of art using poetry.

I thought that it was crap when I handed it in since this was my very first time, and the words that I used were all really simple and easy. I didn't even rhyme that much. However, the evaluation for my poem today really caught me off-guard. My classmates liked my poem!!
I was shocked AND suprised AND pleased... It really feels good to be recognized...

So for those of you who are interested in what I wrote...Here's my poem...

***

The Evaluation

Things seemed different with a man in the room,
But things still seemed the same.
The wash of greeen and the smell of wood,
the music and twirls were familiar.

Around the walls of green they stood,
waiting patiently for their turn.
Their girl had to be in spotlight, to stand out in the crowd.
At least leave an impression they said,
"You are next in line...ready, go!"

In the heart of the little ones,
they would never think it was their only chance.
On the beat their feet will prance,
to the music their heart will dance.

For leisure, for fun but not for fame,
That man in the room, they forgot his name.

Thus was Degas' Dancing Class,
waiting in line for the Evaluation.

Happy Mid-Autumn...=)

2007-09-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

美國...
沒有月餅
沒有蠟燭
沒有人賞月
沒有人玩燈籠
也不會有人猜燈謎
更不會有人知道是中秋節

第一年...
中秋節
不是與家人及親戚過

今天...
與平日沒甚麼分別
節日裏應有的那點熱鬧
似是給遺忘了

晚上回家的時候...
抬頭一望
月亮的確好像比平常大了一點，
圓了一點

遲來的

中秋節快樂...

Apple

2007-09-22T02:00:00.001-07:00

Is it because...
I'm beginning to become Americanized,
or is it just because I'm surrounded by it everyday??

I'm beginning to fall in love with iMac...

Almost EVERY American has an iMac!!
It's an American thing!!
It's pretty unbelievable...

I'm using the Mac computers everyday in the library now...
I love the wash of black and white...

And the new iPod Nano...!! It looks so nice...

Oh wells...let me dream on...it's expensive...!!
But it feels less expensive when it's in US dollars...
Maybe that's why I want to buy it....

iPod Nano costs only $150...

And I just got to know that they both originate from California...
What a coincidence...
Maybe that's why San Diego is flooded by it...=P

Francais...and Poetry

2007-09-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

Another long night of tackling French,
a stack of exercise awaits.
It seemed so much better than the week before,
what a naive wish to create.

Les adjectifs, les verbes spread across the page,
petite, jolie, grand.
Chercher, aime, deteste, desirer,
there's just too much...my God!

It's driving me nuts,
I want to give up.
Whatever sounds right,
I'll just make things up.

Hang on a second,
am I talking in poetry?
But I guess it's good influence,
...good heavens! I'm crazy!

Why remind me of poems,
when there's so much to do.
Tonight's focus is on French,
not poetry, you fool!

Francais and poetry,
they fill up my brain.
My level's just elementary,
Oh, when will this end?

~Alice Chui

***

在此獻醜了...

My sudden urge to play with words...
Not the best poem in the world...but hey! I tried...

Inspired after I took my French exam...
Must have screwed it up totally......=P

French is beginning to get soooo hard...
It's a love/hate relationship...

...and it's BACK to poetry tonight...

SIGH.

2nd Weekend in San Diego

2007-09-10T02:17:00.000-07:00

It's really amazing how weekends can be completely different from the weekdays here in San Diego.

On the weekdays, it's all about getting to classes, doing homework and coping with revision that needs to be done...but on the weekends, it's about going out, having fun, shopping and trying out different things all over San Diego.

No one would be thinking about school or classes or homework...it's almost like holiday during the weekends...

Friday afternoon - 7th September 2007

My flat mate and I have been yearning to go to the shops for so long,
we could not resist not going out on such a nice Friday afternoon...
so we made a trip to Fashion Valley on our own...
Introducing my lovely German flat-mate, Anna...

...and her new pair of sunglasses...

I didn't buy much apart from a tank and a top.
The things are much too expensive here.
I couldn't bear to spend so much when I know I can get it at a much lower price back in Hong Kong...
I really miss Mongkok...

Saturday night - 8th September 2007

Obviously, weekends means getting out of the house and having dinner downtown or some other place...
So a bunch of us went to "The Cheesecake Factory" at Fashion Valley on Saturday night...
You are right...the CHEESECAKE factory!
Mind you, it's not a bakery...
It's a really famous all over California...they have really fabulous dinners...
AND OF COURSE...cheesecakes which are aboslutely AMAZING and mouth-watering...

Sunday night - 9th September 2007

We brought food to a neighbour's house and had a good meal of pasta (made by me ), omelette rice, salad and chocolate brownie!

***

And FINALLY...after so long...
introducing my flat-mates...
Alena, Anna, Alice and Anna!!
The 4-As of Villa Alvarado!!!

Classes I'm taking

2007-09-10T02:12:00.000-07:00

People have been asking which courses I'm taking...
It was not really confirmed until before this weekend started...so here are they...

1) ENGL 280 - Introduction to Creative Writing

I never thought I'd be taking this class coz I was terrified by it...
I have no imagination!
My writing is lousy, how can I compare with the locals?!
Where will I get my inspirations from?
How can I cope with the massive amount of homework it might bring?
(I already received homework assignments before class even started )
But since I've arrived at class from the first day, I am in love with the class...

The class is really small, around 20 people and it was really interactive...
everyone would raise questions, give insightful comments and critique meaningfully all the time!!
I felt really out of place in the beginning coz there seemed no way I could compare...
but I ended up staying coz I really didn't want to leave.
I learn so much from this class!
And exchange is all about jumping out of your comfort zone and challenging yourself isn't it?
So I'm doing this class no matter what it takes!

2) DANCE 100I - Beginning Modern Dance

I've been hoping to get into this class since I've seen it in the courses...
Who would think that you can dance AND get credits at the same time??
(Even though its one credit...)
This is just sooo cool! I'm taking this for pure fun and enjoyment...

Modern dance is really different from Jazz...
it's more expressive and has lots of ground movements...but I'm up for the challenge!

3) ENGL 401 - Childhood's Literature

You know I love reading...you know I love books...
So there's absolutely NO WAY I wouldn't be taking this course!!
And I get to read Harry Potter as well!!!

Weirdly though, this is not a course for English Majors...everyone can take it...
And I was so amazed in the first lesson because people were giving really insightful ideas about the children literature we were reading...and they weren't even English majors!!
Another challenging yet cool class that I have to tackle...

4) CFD 135 - Child and Family Development

This is really solely for interest...I figured that the class should be interesting...
I've always loved things that has to do with child psychology...

5) FRENC 100A - Elementary French

I've always wanted to learn French but I could never get the chance to do so...
Learning a new language always seemed so hard for me...
The first class was really a little bit frightening coz the professor was speaking in French the WHOLE time...
I was TOTALLY clueless as to what he was saying...
Had to keep looking at the person next to me (coz she had taken a little French before) to figure out what the professor was saying...
I was pretty terrified that everyone would know what the professor was saying coz they should have taken French in high school but THANK GOD it was a beginner's class and other students didn't know French as well...
SUCH a relief...
I have to do well in French!!!! I love the language!!

***

So that's it for this semester...that's all the classes I'm taking...

Emotions - Ups and Downs

2007-09-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

Labour Day weekend ended on a great note with me webcam-ing with Bianca last night.
It was our first time doing it and I loved it!

Two people, two different places...but you get to see and hear each other all the same...

A silly picture Bianca took of me...
See the difference?It's night time in San Diego but afternoon in Hong Kong...

***

The day started out nicely even though I had to wake up early to finish my French homework...it's nice to finally be able to understand some things spoken in French...
I was like CLUELess before that...

And then I had dance classes in the morning...
Nice to break out in sweat in the morning...
Modern dancing is COOL...

But then...bad luck fell upon me...I was supposed to be going to a class (I was thinking of dropping...I can't make up my mind if I should drop it since I really like the professors) but on my way there, my bag felt like dripping water...

I was totally astounded...I didn't bring cold water today so there shouldn't be any water dripping out of my bag...

So I sat down by the sideway and looked into my bag...and I found out that the cap of the bottle of water I brought had came off!!

ALL the water had spilled out!!!

I had to take out all my books and notebooks and drain my bag of the water...What a mess....
My books were wet, my pencil case was wet, my wallet was wet...

It's a good thing my bag was of good quality...otherwise, it'll definitely be ruined...><''

Talk about bad luck...
BUMMERS...

And I ended up not going to class...because I took so much time drying my stuff...=.=

Campus and Apartment

2007-08-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

24th August 2007 - Orientation Day

People from all over the world...

Different languages...
Different accents...
Different cultures...

Roomates from Sweden, Germany and Australia...

Too many people
Too many faces
Too many names

&...the campus is HUGE
There'll be NO doubt that I'll get lost in my first few days...or even weeks...

MY CAMPUS

Taken before 8 in the morning when it's less hot and sunny
And no people around...

The blue blue sky...

And finally...STARBUCKS on campus!!

When BEYONCE came to hold a concert at our stadium...

People were all so dressed up to watch the concert
Especially those from fraternities and sororities...

Villa Alvarado....
the place where I live...

My apartment...
The Kitchen...

And my room!

My weakest link

2007-08-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

Until last night
I came to realize that
I have a tendency to push away people who really love and care for me.

I'm not an affectionate person
& it is really not easy for me
when it comes to saying tender, heart-warming stuff
I feel uneasy
& I just totally back away.

Well, I just expect that
we know that we care for each other
but we don't have to say it out loud...I guess...

Maybe it's just me.
But I really don't know how to.

I got an email from my Dad
He says it's my weakest link.
I guess that it's true.

I'm truly SORRY.

Beginnings and Endings

2007-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

不經不覺
原來，我已經離開香港一個多星期

由細到大，我身邊總需要環繞著一班朋友
我喜歡 - 熱熱鬧鬧一堆人
一起上課、逛街、看電影、吃飯、玩樂、聊天......
朋友，對我來說真的很重要。
沒有朋友，我相信我的人生會少了很多歡樂和色彩

知道要來San Diego的時候，
我真的很高興
真的很感恩
以前，我羨慕別人有機會去外國讀書
現在，studying abroad的夢想終於有機會實現

感謝神為我安排我想要的
感謝他，賜下這個難得的機會給我。

但其實，
當我知道要離開的時間是一年的時候，
我曾經想過放棄機會。

一年的時間，
離開家人，離開朋友，離開中大，離開香港
離開一個熟悉的地方
然後，在一個陌生的環境，重新適應
這不是一件簡單的事情
再怎麼說，
也是一項大挑戰。

一年之內可以改變的，可以發生的事情，實在太多太多

時間不同，地點不同
我並沒有把握我還可以和香港的朋友保持以往的聯繫
人，都是out of sight out of mind的...
關係疏遠，
是極有可能的事情

以前在中大，weekends有空就會回家
即使長大了
家，永遠是個避難所
在那裡，永遠有人會無條件地愛著妳

在香港，有甚麼不開心
找個人傾訴
一通電話
約出來聚一聚
方便得很

但現在離開了，
家，不能每個weekends回一回去
朋友，不能隨時call到

別人問我，會想念香港嗎?
會掛住家人，掛住朋友嗎?

表面上，我覺得我挺灑脫的
不過是一年嘛
很快就過去了

而且，人生不就本來是這樣的嗎?
You give some...and you take some...
You just can't get everything.

但是，當我是真的要離開的時候，
真的登上前往美國的飛機的時候，
Deep down...

其實...
我真的很想念，真係好掛住

Because this time,
it's not just a trip.
I will REALLY be on my own...for a whole year
& there would be many uncertainties and things that I have to learn to adapt to.

我很怕很怕別人會忘記我
很怕我回來後，
關係已淡忘，友誼已不再。

有人說，
失去了才懂得珍惜
要離開的時候，這句話真的很貼切

臨走前，做的最後一件莊務 - Ocamp VP
我相信，to end with Ocamp is the best
縱使籌備出國的時間變的不夠，
但Ocamp給我的，真的很多很多。

其實，不止Ocamp...
上莊...
英文系...
朋友給我的，實在很多很多

它們讓我學懂了，
當你擁有的時候，
你更要去珍惜。

記得在飛機上，我回想了很多很多片段
由入中大開始...上莊...認識英文系的朋友...上堂...莊務...開會...莊聚...
每個片段也是一段珍貴的回憶
它們陪伴著我開始一段新的旅程

我的朋友，和你們一起的每一個時光
是我最珍惜的時間
有了你們，
世界真的變得很不一樣